You will find a job.
But what if I don’t.
You will do great things.
But what if I don’t.
It’s almost like the moment I got onto I10 west, that was it.
This is my life now. Palm trees, beaches, marijuana everywhere, and red wine.
Yes red wine and hot tubs. This is where I am supposed to be. God is testing me. How do I know? Because the ground is shaking consistently, and I am uneasy. Because, nothing is secure, and there is no plan. My feet are on the edge, and I have no plan. No plan? What happens when I jump. Well, then I break my bones and I hitch hike home. Who am I kidding? It’s in my blood. I am beautiful. Insecure situations bring out insecurities period.
Fuck this dog keeps barking.
Where the fuck did all of this doubt come from?
Am I just scared. Fear. Fear has always been my ultimate lock.
I never made varsity cheer, because of my fear of tumbling. Fear of tumbling…
What the fuck. I had an opportunity for greatness, and I choked.
I know, I know. What’s meant to be will be. But what if this is my opportunity for greatness, and I am choking. And the world before me is my witness. Just watching me fall on my face, with mediocre songs, and a mediocre life. Am I forgetting that I am not dancing for the world? PLaying music has always been selfish for me. I’ve always shared it with people..Sometimes for attention (wrong reasons) but now I am here to learn. I want to learn. I am forgetting that that is why I’m here, and good songs will come. But they won’t come when I am wallowing in self pity just expecting a job to be handed to me. Because in all honesty, I have never had to work for an actual job. I always, was just handed it. I worked hard once I got a job, but never to actually get one…..
Doubt and fear are my worst enemies.
They are like the massive waves that used to roll over your skin, but now they are out to get you, and drown you. And right when you come for air, another wave comes in to drag you along the sand bar. Sand for dinner. Doubt and fear for dinner.
Maybe that’s where God comes in though. Maybe, I need to relax, and let God take the wheel. Mind you, I don’t like to call myself a christian, because 1. I do not uphold the amazing qualities of chrisitians.. I say bad words all the time, and I really like sex, and drinking, and things that are bad. But I only dabble in those every so often…the cursing part a lot… the sex part…almost never… but the drinking… that can be a lot some times. Anyways, I think what has always kept me from being this version of perfect… is fear and doubt. I fear. I don’t ever know what I am afraid of. But something to do with fear is an awfully good tattoo idea.
Man, I wish I could be 7 again, and everything I’m doing would be just apart of my dreams. I love how I feel so out of my conscience..sitting in the dark..in a big hard wood living room that is so completely empty. Life will change. This will all change in a week in 2 months. I just need a job. I need to have faith in myself. I am amazing. I am amazing. I am fucking worth it. No more fear no more doubt. No more of that. Even though I am not a perfect christian, I do believe in love. I do believe in sharing it. And that should be my purpose before writing a good song. To be love. And then maybe the good songs will come.
I need to be love.
1. Be love.
2. Remember your purpose.
3. Stop comparing yourself.
4. Stop drinking.
5. You are worth is.
6. You were not sent here to re-live the past year.
7. Struggle is over it is time to live it up.
Fear and doubt. I think that is why I do things that scare me, because fear is just a natural weird human thing, that probably has a lot to do with insecurites. FUCK FEAR. Sorry God. But Fuck fear.
Fear is nothing but a road block. It’s time to stop fearing life.
